I struggle with the Christmas season for a number of reasons:
My mother died two weeks before Christmas.
My dad died two weeks after Christmas.
Being adopted, I don’t have the same sense of “family” as many of you have. This is a hard one to explain; most likely only another adopted child would understand.
And because of the top three reasons, this is the season that I have cravings for alcohol, my own personal thousand-pound gorilla who is always waiting on the sidelines to kick my ass.
It’s really an interesting phenomenon for me. I look forward to the season because, well, there is this unexplainable atmosphere of love. However, I also dread it and am really quite relieved when it is all over and I can get back to my normal schedule and shed myself of whatever expectations I had during the holidays.
So today is December 27th, and if you listen very closely you’ll hear me breathing out a sigh of relief as the New Year approaches. I made it through another Christmas without drinking. I made it through another Christmas without having an emotional meltdown. Yep, it’s been a good Christmas. LOL
The good news is that I have it made in the shade. I didn’t sleep on a park bench over the holidays with a sheet of cardboard keeping the frost off of me. I didn’t have to come home to an abusive relationship. I am surrounded by love and I have learned to love. I do not have creditors hounding me and I have exceptionally good health. All in all my life is a good one and it will continue to be so as long as I get out of my own way and allow the goodness to flow unimpeded by my efforts. J
I’ll see you again on Monday. I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to do this blog. I don’t know that it serves much of a purpose. I like my Artistry With Words blog because that helps other writers. I loved doing my Alcoholism blog because, again, it helped people, so maybe I’ll resurrect that one and see if I can’t keep someone from drinking in 2014.
Have a great weekend.
Bill
A Moment With Bill 
So glad that you did make it through this time of the year and can only imagine the feel ins you do have over the two significant losses occurring during this time of the year. My heart goes out to you and seriously just thank you for being you. Also, I am totally re-evaluating writing/blogging and such. I love it, but I also am just so tired right now. This mini break has been nice and I am seriously not giving up by any means, but may give myself permission to take days here and there, because I have been just so tired this past week and felt how much pressure I did put on myself recently. So, trust me, I think we are all just doing what we can to see what works and what doesn’t for us, especially in the New Year.
Janine, thank you for your kind words. It is so nice to have friends who will give honest feedback and just let us know we are not alone in our thoughts. You work very hard on that blog. I hope you do take some time off, maybe just two days a week off from it. You need down time young lady.
Bill, trust me you aren’t alone and I am seriously rethinking a few different options and even posting maybe just Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, possibly still keep Saturday as a recap of sorts. Just not sure yet, but definitely thinking this through over the next couple of days myself and see what feels right for me, because right now I am seriously drained and feel it. The days I had off, I was so happy and relaxed. So, I know I need to add a bit more of that back into my life again for sure. And I know you will totally figure it out now, too. I have complete faith in you and once again so happy that you and I are indeed friends!! 🙂
Janine, that is very sweet of you to say. Thanks for coming back and sharing your thoughts. Enjoy your weekend my friend. Rest up and let your mind sort it all out while you have fun.
The operative word: adoptive. You know, I can relate on the “adoptive” level, but in a way, I feel a bit alone because my situation is so unique. It’s always been weird celebrating the holidays with my sister (who’s my real mother). It’s always awkward. She wants to do things with her daughter (that she kept) and doesn’t invite me to things that she does. That’s cool. That’s good, actually. But, take today, for example, she invited me to a dinner, but my parents are already doing their own big dinner and my sister told me, “well, we won’t be there.” It’s not good or bad; it just is. But, there’s always an elephant in the room and while I love my family without end, the holidays are always layered with an element of extreme awkwardness. Add to the fact that my sister is extremely religious and I’m more spiritual; she often talks about how it’s blasphemy and that my “smarts” are what hold me back. Her daughter is also very religious and it’s easy to see why they always do things together. Now, I consider my parents (who are the grandparents who adopted me) my real parents through and through and, hands down, I will be at their beck and call before I am apt to do activities with my sister. Yes, another layer of awkwardness. Still, my mom always says, “she’s your mother; you should spend time with her.” Ya see? It’s a recipe for turmoil and, alas, one of the reasons I live far away from this. It can be frustrating – and this little story here is the tip of the iceberg: there’s a lot more backstory here, but I’d write a novel giving you the backstory, lol. But, yeah, to my sister, I feel like her devil-child, and to my parents, I feel like one kid in a sea of other brothers and sisters, all of whom do have their place in the family: the ones who are a real part of the family, the ones who weren’t adopted, the ones who know their role and have always known their place. For me? I guess I’ve always felt a little like the outsider. I was always the one who was studious (no one else in my family is like that), that loved school and words and being creative. I am the only one to get a four-year degree, let alone the master’s. I like my quiet time; they’re all extraverts.
Eh…sorry to pour this out here. While I don’t drink all that much, there are times I’m tempted to. Haha. I won’t, though. J and I just sneak off and go for a long hike with the dog. And that, my friend, is what I think I’ll do just now. 😛
Wow, Cyndi, I had no idea of that background. You do understand! I’m the oddball in the family. I’m the only one to go to college, the only one interesting in things other than cars and guns. LOL I was always alone growing up because my “family” just didn’t interest me that much, and I didn’t fit in at all. This concept of the holidays being a time for family is so foreign to me….I just don’t care about it. I didn’t even know when my sister died in 2006…her kids never bothered to tell me. Now I have Bev…and she has this huge extended family and it is almost painful for me to be dragged through their celebrations.
Sheez, good thing you and I like who we are, right? 🙂 Have a great walk and thanks for sharing.
Bill, your honesty and openness is so refreshing. I’m very glad you made it through the season and that you have such a lovely woman by your side. I understand rethinking your blog and I’m doing much the same thing. I struggle with trying to earn a living with the brain cells I have left and it’s an uphill climb most days. I deal with what we call ME/CFS and went from being highly productive to nearly comatose overnight. Stress is a terrible thing and makes it much worse. I want you to know that your blogs have helped me deal with stress and stay healthier than I would otherwise be. For this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I dearly hope that the next year is one of peace and kindness for every one of us.
Alex, sharing things like you just shared are so important. I have never heard of ME/CFS….bless you for sharing about it and your kind words. I really do appreciate you.
Bill, I don’t get excited about Christmas. I hate the commercialism. I had a nice quiet one with my family. We need more spirit; good will toward men/women not only at Christmas but all year round.
Wishing Bev and you all the best for 2014!
Take care
Sue
Sue, thank you for your thoughts my friend. The best I can say about this holiday season is that it is over. Now let’s move on to 2014 and see what kind of trouble we can get into. LOL….Have a wonderful weekend.
Just so you know, I think we all dread the holidays a bit and we all definitely sigh a breath of relief when they are over. There is so much comfort in our typical daily schedules. Your blog serves a purpose, for sure, but if you switch to an alcoholism blog I’ll read that one, too, because I know whatever you have to say will apply to many different areas of life.
Randee, thank you! It’s interesting, isn’t it? This holiday phenomenon…..is there such a thing as a “traditional family” in today’s society? Well, thank you for saying that you will follow me….I appreciate that very much.
Bill, now I understand why Christmas is so hard for you. I had no idea that you lost your parents around this time. I’m glad you made it through and so glad you have lots of love in your life.
Thank you Sha! It is what it is. I try to make the best of it now and allow others to enjoy it as much as possible. 🙂
love,
bill
It’s interesting that, as an adopted person, you didn’t have the same sense of family. I never thought about it before, but I imagine that must have been difficult as a kid (well, one of the difficulties adopted children face). Seeing other kids enjoying the holidays with their blood relatives probably caused an inner struggle between being thankful for your family while always wondering, what if . . . Thank you for always being open about your struggles and demons. It’s easy to forget that you’re not Superman! 😉 And about the blogs–wherever you go, you know I’ll follow!
Lizzy, it’s something many adopted children experience…that feeling of being disconnected. Eventually we learn to give voice to it and live with it…and we can always create our own memories. 🙂 Thank you dear friend.
I am reading here am article full of joy, optimism and lobe. Bill your words just warmed my heart. You are in the right track my dear friend.
Thank you Maria, and having friends like you warms my heart.
You are no doubt a brave soul, Bill. No wonder I admire you and yeah! you did it another year!
I am sorry about your losses close to this time of the year. Time heals is not true cause memories tend to flash back…I wish you peace, my friend!
Ruchira, thank you for your kindness. We all deal with life as it comes; it may not be easy but it is necessary for our growth. 🙂
Well done Bill. Another year completed. You know by your example that you are inspiring others. One of the good guys. I’m proud to know you.
Graham.
Thank you so much, Graham. Happy New Year to you, Sir, and I am quite proud to call you a friend.
bill